Just in time for the announcement that a Chinese firm has most likely bought that rolling symbol of American testosterone, the Hummer, the Chinese Central Committee of the Communist Party is proud to present the 20th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square Massacre.
Yes indeed, dear friends, neighbors and debtors in America, on this stirring occasion, somewhere between 250 (unlikely) and 5000 (high, but more than possible) Chinese protesters - mostly students and working-class family members - were shot, beaten and crushed to death by tanks and soldiers. Following this unfortunate occurrence, nationwide protests were quashed and dissidents gathered up for "re-education" by the People's Liberation Army.
Such sad measures were deemed necessary by the Politburo's Central Committee because of the disorder brought about by common citizens demanding - of all things! - a reform of government into a constitutional democracy, similar to that of America.
America's response to the Massacre was to send James Lilley and James Baker and assure the Politburo that America would not officially condemn the Massacre, and would cooperate with the Chinese government to block or deport Chinese dissidents who sought asylum in the United States. Both promises were fulfilled.
This happy event made possible a new era of diplomatic cooperation between the two powers. Since then, an auspicious confluence of trade has enriched both nations. Companies like Nike, Wal-Mart, Disney, Hasbro, McDonald's, The Gap, Old Navy, Warner Brothers and many others have since benefited from the enlightened labor system of Laogai (convict labor). Truly, this day marks a great stroke of fortune for both nations!
In keeping with the sobriety of this occasion, the Chinese government humbly requests that no one remember it, speak of it, or let it interfere in any way with business as usual.
Thank you for your cooperation.
